50 Shades of Whatever

Alright, let me set the record straight.  I have no qualms with women (or anyone) reading porn/smut/erotica whatever you want to call it.  One of my favorite episodes of Friends deals with the subject:

Here are my issues:

1) People have been reading Harlequinn romances for AGES.  Middle-aged women come storming into libraries when a new one is available. What is all the fuss about a bunch of people liking this book? It's not some shocking, new trend.  Teens passed around page 81 of Judy Blume's Forever,  for years.  Yes, that is the exact page number.  Look it up.

So what is the big deal about a bunch of people reading porn?  Afraid the women folk are gonna learn something? "OMG we can have sex not for BABY MAKING?!?!" Think there's going to be an apocalyptic orgy after women read this book? Well maybe, it is 2012.

2) My second issue may seem to contradict the first. I hate that people are reading this book.  Why?

a) It stems from TWILIGHT fanfiction.  Why do people not know this? Do you not recognize the poor writing? 

 "My inner goddess is doing the merengue with some salsa moves"

WTF is that? From the quote list I suffered through, apparently the "inner goddess" is a recurring thing. Why is she doing stuff? Why can't we just be outer goddesses?

Do you not research your books before reading them? (Okay maybe only I do that).  All of my friends who have read/are reading this book seem dumbfounded when I tell them this.  Then they feel ashamed, their inner goddesses recoiling from my strike of wondrous wisdom. 

But seriously, this "novel" began as a sexual fanfiction written by E.L. James with Bella and Edward as main characters.  She then rewrote it as an original piece with the new characters (I don't know if the story changed or whatever because I refuse to read either).  So it's just...yuck.  Twilight characters.  Twilight inspiration.  Just...no.  If you're going to read porn, read well-written porn.

b) People keep telling me I have to read it.

No I don't.  Thanks to the glorious internet, I know enough about it that if I ever needed to recommend it to someone (Lord, help me), I'll do just fine.  Also, I have good books to read in my spare time. "But you'll love it" they say.  Ahhh, no.  Library school teaches you to know your audience when you're recommending books.  People don't realize it's an artform.

c) Too many people I know are talking about it and it's ruining my newsfeed.

I have no problem with people talking about sex and all that jazz.  I think it's healthy.  But when I see Facebook photos of my aunt opening up 50 Shades themed birthday presents---well, it's vomit inducing to say the least.  STOP THE MADNESS.  #please